This letter is written for a challenge on WordPress and is written to my children..
My understanding and definition of an apology:
Thus realizing that an apology gives the apologizer a sense of freedom and perhaps some control, the apology must be written from the humble sense and feeling of sorrow for an act wrongly created over or about a situation, person or animal and Earth.
I say animal because in my past, I wish more often than not, that I had been more attentive and available to the pets feeling. Working often took me away, or my needs to go somewhere or get away from their needs. However, they were always there for me.
Perhaps, I turn my face away from humans that I have rudely shunned or ignored because I held a prejudice towards something about them or their situation. I held a wrong judgement and whom are we to make any kind of decision about anyone, but ourselves?
To my children, and my family,
There, have been times in our lives that I have worried too much, and I have let depression rule my psyche. This feeling and extreme sadness has caused conflicts with your lives and now that you are older, you choose to stay for a while and when you do come, it’s usually a short visit. And then quickly, you must depart. Know that, I don’t blame you. Being around someone who worries all the time and who is depressed often is weighty. The heaviness is something that I have not conquered and no medication has alleviated my dark foggy forest for, very long.
I wish that I could have changed this behavior and if I could have would have taken my magical wand and sprinkled fairy dust over the entire situation and lifetime and would have put smiles on all our faces.
I am sorry for the depression and sadness. I ask you to forgive me and I understand that my apology is not a magic wand that you should change and accept everything ,as new. After all, there is a flood of water under our bridges and it is drained only a bucket at a time…
However, I do want to thank you for reading this letter, and no, it doesn’t make me feel better after writing it, but it does make me know that I have apologized without placing blame on neurotransmitters or my childhood circumstances. Even though, we are products of our past. In trepidation I write, I hope your childhood hasn’t effected your raising of your children and I pray you do not have any sadness or feelings of doom and gloom hanging over you. Your grandmother always told me when I was a child, that I was Chicken Little. Sighing here…
So, right here, I sever with a sword any familiar sadness that could effect you and your futures. I curse it’s roots of despair and feelings of impending doom. In God I trust to send his angels out to make it so…
Know, I love you and are very proud of you.
With much appreciation of you,