In 1998, after spending 25 years of calling myself a “born again Christian,” (1973) my actual accepting of the term and proudly wearing their banner, decided to move onward to a new belief adventure in 1998.
As a child (before 1973) in 1962 I attended The Episcopalian Church with my mother and father and thank god we never beat people’s spirits down to make or cause them to believe in Christ. We never significantly or proudly boasted, “I led this one to the lord.”
No Episcopalians are cool and unpretentious and I should have remained one as they are less tiring and wearisome on others peacefulness. However, I am far past their teachings now and into my own beliefs and I am content.
But… onward I forged by myself exploring all little crooks and crannies that I was told, “don’t go into that place. Demons are there!” And they (the ones saying this crap) growled worse than any demon could do so. Some of those Christians were and are pretty scary. Yes they are and I was once just like them. I didn’t like me then.
I am glad that Christ is nothing like that. In my recent death experience, the being that might have been him (Christ) was behind me while on my journey through space and the galaxies into the universe and universes. He, if it was him, sat joyfully telling The Elohim how to place the nebulous in the universe. He was like an interior designer of the entire outside space. He was extremely happy and laughed a lot. If this was Christ He didn’t jump out there and say, “praise the lord… you better believe in me or else.”
Nope. The happy fellow was humble, trusting, not pushy, kind, non accusatory and very comforting. He was very much unlike any church other than The Episcopalians. He’s far from their (church goers) appearances or behaviors. I think he’s happy with the Episcopalians though. I think that he is most like them, if he identifies with any church organization.
Now in 1998, I went back to the things that I grew up with and loved.
Number one: astrology. Gods map of vibrational forces throughout the earth compared to the solar system.
FYI about astrology, you realize that once we are off the earth and time stops 24/7 then the heavenly vibrational forces change. Astrology changes and a new unknown measurement begins again.
Now I will take you off my beaten track to a story about aliens. Please stay with me on my journey.
A Christian therapist led me on a regression or a hypnotic therapy session. It was many years ago (late 1950’s) that I was haunted by visions of beings who visited my father (a mechanical engineer who designed missiles, rockets and ammunition) during the Vietnam War. They, the beings seen by me) were not of this earth.
During my regression, I was being taken back to meet them. However when I arrived in this time, back to the 1950’s or 1960’s, they were forceful and told me to leave. I was not invited. They used their arms and hands to tell me to leave, “now.”
So I left quickly. I then met up with Jesus and the two Mary’s. We began walking together on an old rocky road in the warm Sun. Jesus Christ was walking next to me as the two Mary’s walked behind us. They were praying and quiet.
The walking behind by the two women wasn’t because of a superiority that Jesus being a male had. No it was designed this way for the prayers to be completed and effective.
We walked and talked. Jesus had met me outside of the aliens den. He said, “come with me.” So I gathered my thoughts and being and went with him and the two ‘Mary’s.
He said that he understood my thoughts and dilemma and that he was turning me over into the company of some good friends of his, “The Magi.” He said that I would be safe there and that I should trust them and learn everything that I could.
I said, “yes, but they are about astrology and the unseen world and that’s wrong, evil, of the devil, etc.”
He said, “ you will be fine. You will learn under them now. You’ve learned everything that you can from me. Trust me.”
I said, “okay, I will believe you and trust you.” I proceeded in the direction he led me. On stone stairways leading down into the turquoise waters away from The Sun, descending into the beautiful ocean.
He and the two Mary’s left me as I went down into deep waters into the place of Atlantis. I was there looking at the monuments and recognized my heritage, my beginnings. I was home.
He (Jesus) brought me home!
I was freed from the church and all their harshness. Their yelling and cruelty was now behind me. I could now live my life free from condemnation and guilt.
Jesus smiled and said you are apart of them. Go now. The three left me swimming amongst the depths of the ocean 🌊 and within Atlantis.
From this point my real experience began.
1 Samuel 8
The people (Israelites) demand there be a king.
Humans want/need to place someone in charge. They have an innate want/need to elevate someone, to admire someone and to follow someone. We are like the mammals on earth. We think lowly and have not risen to the place needed for progression beyond mammals.
I believe this is part of the animal nature within humans and is not the best for the earth. But… humans aren’t there. We haven’t risen to the place of where, no kingships are needed. History proves this over and over again.
The Neanderthal gene 🧬 is continuing to influence our human thinking. We think and behave like animals. We don’t take care of anything such as our planet. We admire wrong things on earth or the things that tear the earths gifts away such as oxygen. We love looking up to those (any of those) who are willing to be scrutinized by others. We are selfish and the Roman Colosseum truly isn’t that distant from our past.
So now please welcome this handsome man Ned Matinnia.
So… Thank you Ned for agreeing to share your story with The World on my webpage. It’s a pleasure to have you stop in for a visit! You are a very interesting person and I am sure everyone would love to hear your experiences, as well as, hear about all of your hobbies. The astrologer and the medium, as well as, being an engineer are intriguing professions. What a combination. You remind me of my father’s interests.
Q: How about a little bio as to your profession, age, married? Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Ned: I’m in my early 30’s right now and single. In fact, for the vast majority of my life, I’ve been alone. The emotionally abusive childhood I endured (and my extra-sensitive nature) had such an impact that I was scared of people for many years, with social anxiety and feeling like I wasn’t as good as anybody else. In recent years that has started to change.
For work, I’ve been a software engineer as I’ve always loved computers and technology. It just so happened to be a great career path for me as well. But over time, I’ve been branching into spiritual work, such as astrology/numerology (both, as they just so happen to neatly dovetail into each other – supporting the same message). And even mediumship readings. This has been an area where I’ve been building my experience and confidence with. It took many psychics, mediums, and intuitive friends to tell me out of the blue: “You are a medium. You can do this,” before I began to open to the idea that I could really do this. It can be scary to start out, not knowing if what you’re saying makes any sense whatsoever to your client. But, oftentimes it does in wonderful ways that I could never have expected.
A daily labor of love I’ve had is tending to and cultivating the Near Death Experiences public group on Facebook with my co-admin Katie. Now with almost 33,000 members, I never would have expected this to happen. But I think it’s a sign of the times, and people are wanting answers beyond the often cryptic or trite religious answers, and beyond the (mainstream) scientific “veil of atheism/materialism” (the two tend to strongly tie to each other in intellectual circles).
Q: How have you grown after being around NDEs or having an experience?
Ned: I’ve come a long way from the often-hopeless agnostic or even atheist that I used to be. I’ve always loved science and figuring things out and understanding how things work and why. Science naturally is that realm of knowledge and understanding based on study, observation, and evidence/data.
But to someone who is really hurting emotionally in life, or who feels like life is meaningless, and that life is some f’d up crazy circus (like the typical headlines on the news), science only told me that life is an accident and that there is no meaning or purpose.
Many people would list their loved ones, family, and friends as the things that make them happiest; well, at the time, I had none of those. I had a typical family yes, but I didn’t deeply feel connected to them. I don’t want to sound cold at all. But I felt like my heart and feelings were just somewhere else, and no one around me, family included, could nurture or support that in the deeper way that I needed. Sometimes feeling like an alien here on Earth.
Fast-forward to when I learned about near death experiences for the first time. I had come across an article on the internet I think about them. And eventually had found and read Life After Life by Dr. Raymond Moody. I watched videos of interviews of experiencers, so moved and amazed at what they were sharing. I felt like….this is the reason to live. This explains it. This goes where (at least mainstream) science has yet to open its closed eyes. This also explains things in a way that religions (all of them) haven’t been able to fully connect I felt. Actually having people who die, watch their bodies, hear the people around them, sometimes even feel those peoples’ emotions or know their private thoughts, and then to sometimes meet deceased loved ones they had never even heard about or seen photos of in their ancestry….to people remembering why they chose to come to Earth in the first place…it was to me like the Jackpot.
Since then, I attended my first IANDS Conference (International Association for Near Death Studies) in 2012, in Scottsdale, Arizona. I got to meet and see “NDE celebrities” (I use that word loosely and playfully; it’s not about ego or putting people on pedestals, but I like to be a sort of cheerleader and support and be excited about them. I’ve recently started calling myself an “NDE Advocate” and I think that’s the most fitting label I’ve found so far =) ).
I’ve also grown in the faith or more like Knowing about life after death, and that the “little things” really are the “big things.” Kindness is so important…including with and starting with ourselves. When all the religions’ teachings basically boil down to “love one another” and when that same message is so strong from near death experiences, it really means something.
And that we have a purpose on this Earth. That the Earth is precious, nature is precious, and that we are nature; not separate or “lording over it” it.
So overall, the amazing knowledge of NDEs has made me: happier, more trusting in life, more compassionate and kind, more humble and able to laugh at myself, and more empathic and eager to put myself in others’ shoes.
Q: What’s the most valuable information that you have learned?
Ned: 1. We never die; we are eternal and have existed long before this current human life.
2. Love, experience and knowledge are what we take with us; they are the things that matter most.
3. The little things are the big things. Having wealth or high intelligence or other bragging rights are not about having them and gloating over them or comparing ourselves to others; gifts like this are meant to be shared with the world. For each of our unique gifts and talents can help others in some way. That’s the value and the importance we have in life.
4. Everything we do is recorded and comes back to us. So those trying to take advantage of anyone, regardless if your peers or family tends to judge/look down on certain groups of people as “normal”/status quo in society today or in the past, should heed this and know that we’re all equal and we’re all in this together. Even those in other countries or from other ethnic backgrounds or religions (including atheism, which is kind of an unofficial religion with its strong dogma and beliefs).
5. Religions talk about this as well as NDErs: What matters is our intentions. What were we doing and WHY? We may have scolded someone, but it was because we cared about them and wanted to ensure they heeded our warning (like a child crossing the street without looking). We maybe didn’t know that there was a better way to express this care and concern than scolding at the time, since older generations tended to use physical force like hitting with rulers in school or spanking, etc. as the norm. When people die and they have a life review, they realize how they impacted everyone around them. And they are not judged; but our intentions lay naked before all today. Were we really trying to be our best selves in that situation, or were we trying to be sneaky and get away with something, using lies or a false mask to make it look like we were the good guy on the surface? Common ethical situations that we all face every day on Earth. Just reading about the Navy SEAL commander who was killing random innocents and how he threated his team to keep quiet and promote him as a war hero. Acts and intentions like that will be seen for who and what they really are, even if people may fall for the appearance here and believe the lies for a time while still on Earth.
Q: What changed in your lives like becoming a vegetarian or perhaps exercising or whatever might have changed your ways to live?
Ned: The more I’ve learned about NDEs, I’ve become plant-based/vegan, but this is not solely from NDEs but also seeing how destructive the global meat industry is on the planet (cutting down square miles of rainforest in the Amazon for example, to plant soybeans that will feed cows for cheap Big Macs in the developed world). Incredibly destructive and wasteful to biodiversity and life on this planet, and irresponsible. Also honoring my body as my temple more and giving it exercise and foods and smoothies that nourish it. No longer drinking alcohol for the most part, after seeing how destructive and aging it is on the body.
Q: What about how you worship? Has your thoughts or beliefs changed?
Ned: I used to be an atheist and sort of an agnostic. Now I KNOW there is a Great Spirit, Higher Power, God, Source, whatever label – it’s way beyond any labels. All the human labels in the world don’t hold a candle to God. I know that God is in all things and to be more mindful of how I live in the little moments in each and every day. To honor even a bird on the sidewalk, or a bug on a tree. To see that hunting for sport (not practical use with good intentions) is harmful and irresponsible.
Q: What about family life, are you closer now? Are you a better parent or teacher? Do you listen more now? Are you more tolerant or less?
Ned: My family is a little complicated. I’m more detached from my dad, which is healthy for me, as there is some lack of understanding there and even abuse and judgment. He even chides me for my interest in near death experiences, saying that it’s a morbid topic and for people who are depressed with no future, and that I shouldn’t focus on death. He doesn’t get it :). But I hold no anger or resentment towards him. And I love my mom and sister too. I think as time goes on, I’m finding soul family too. Friends and “family” in spiritual communities who I really feel at home with and understanding with. And like for many experiencers, these new “soul tribes” become just as important, and part of our family. I am more tolerant of my family overall, and of people in general. But I also now put up boundaries where I feel is healthy, where in the past, I didn’t even know the concept of healthy boundaries, and would let people use me or treat me unfairly.
Q: How would you wrap up your thoughts?
Ned: The last thing I want to say is just a reminder that 1) intention is key; putting loving, honest intention into action is key in life 2) everything we do matters; don’t waste your life feeling like you have no purpose, or value, or worth. Find your heart and do what brings you peace and excitement, even if, or especially if it’s something that you were afraid others might judge you for. Eventually you will find people who love the more authentic real you. 3) Life is about love, and also play. Being silly is just as important as getting down to business at times.
Q: Do you have a contact to offer to readers and what is the website for them to visit?
Ned: Find me in the Facebook Near Death Experiences group:
I want to thank you, Ned, for taking your valuable time to share yourself and become vulnerable with the world. May you achieve the highest goal that you are intended to reach. Thank you so very much.
Welcome! On the bottom of my blog is a link to the radio program.
I want to thank Nori, Aage, and Tom who were the radio panel of hosts. You three were kind, supportive and wonderfully interested.
I noticed, on YouTube, that 179 people have viewed the radio program (that I gave my experience in heaven). And… out of 179 views only 20 have liked it.
I have been told by family that my NDE changed me. I have more confidence now. Others have complimented me and asked me to defend them as an attorney (lol. What a wonderful compliment). I have not watched it as I will pick myself apart and one day, I will.
Well this made me curious and doubtful about myself When I saw the lack of likes. I asked, what is wrong.
Then I remembered that my death experience was not about any religious experience on earth. And because it is not of any beliefs, it leaves one with a walking away, scratching the head. Yep.
This scares people.
For your fears, I am sorry that you have this element of knowledge within (programed) you. I once had that too. I remember.
But know, as I said in the beginning of the radio program… this is… “My experience. It’s mine and not yours”.
So… no fears. Okay?
So here’s the link to the radio program. My date was on May 15, 2019 should this link not take you to my interview.
Thank you for visiting!
The feathered white pheasant’s tail was broken yet she flew anyway
And on the horizon swooping low was the mouth of the dragon
Yelling and pointing, “Go South!” Pleasant friend rigorously showing the way
Yet smoother than vanilla ice cream drifted the angel fairies just enjoying the day
All is well by the looks of the spectacular blue skies! What humans think 🤔
And the people in the clouds roll their eyes in utter quandary at thoughts of beings
A sigh is heard from the leader. Pausing breathes and pulses from the cloud kingdom
Just waiting for the Moon 🌚 and not being seen to loudly or heard silently, but dreaming realities of Tolkien an TS Eliot
Can’t wait to show Jacob about this world above our heads and inside our hearts that leaves one day when we become mankind.
Once again I have the pleasure of introducing you to a friend that I gained after my death in February of this year 2019.
I sought the help of Hiroumi after he was referred to me by another person who had a death experience but unlike mine. He felt Hiroumi would be the one who could help me, and he, my friend, was correct. I am amazed by the knowledge and integrity of this man Hiroumi.
So without another minute of me writing and talking let me introduce to you, Hiroumi Sunagawa.
Each obtains the intended experience. My youth death experience and return was odd. Most of what happened was far beyond my child-mind’s ability to process. I think that is why the decision to withhold memory of all of it occurred and was only given a partial recall 18 years later.
When given that partial recall, I remembered, and saw the part where the memory withholding decision was made. I asked questions about this and was told I would recall some of the missing gaps as I lived life, and some gaps I would never recall while here on earth.
As gaps were restored, each one only occurred when I was spiritually ready and prepared to accept. Each time of a gap restoration caused me to have to fully review all of what I recalled.
The gap restorations are still occurring. On the average, it’s been around one gap restoration every seven years or so; although there were several restorations within just a few years time, and those were intensely mind-boggling.
I have come to the conclusion that the entire set of events of death and return and all that occurred on that foreign seashore and dunes was carefully preplanned and prepared specifically as a “reservoir” made accessible to me only as I moved forward in wanting to come to deeper comprehension.
There have been times where I read multiple spiritual books and then months later, after accessing additional insight, a gap restoration would happen. None of it was “forced” upon me. Every step has required my will to move forward. This is part of the design specifically for me as an entity, because of the core nature of my inner need.
About ten years ago, during meditation, I was shown how I ended up on earth and why it was necessary for my entity to experience multiple cycles.
I was shown that each soul that chooses their very first non-fully-spiritual realm for material incarnation is provided an utopian cycle that mirrors many of the spiritual characteristics of divine ways. And this “first experience” would create a sense of a “material Home”, an attachment to that world that exists within a chosen universe.
Eons ago, it was determined that there was no suitable world within my “home universe” for the lessons I needed to experience for deeper understanding. What I was shown was being “transferred“ to this universe, and being “temporarily assigned” to earth.
It was then that I was given the nickname of “The Traveler”, a nomadic soul without a permanent home. I was also shown that I held no position or authority in this universe because it was not my original assigned universe. I was, indeed, only visiting for experience.
There is more to the story, but this is sufficient to show that each of us are unique and each of us have experiences presented for our uniqueness’s needs.
Where to find Hiroumi Sunagawa…
Thank you sooo very much Hiroumi Sunagawa for allowing me to share your thoughts with others. It is my hope that all of us can understand what happens to we humans post our deaths from this world.
This evening in the USA I have the privilege of posting another person who has had a near death experience or a death experience many years ago.
My guests name is John Scott and he has some specific thoughts about his experience. John asks that we just listen and not state that he is the gospel about death experiences but just be open as he doesn’t want to cause problems with anyone.
And John, I understand what you are saying here. Thank you for your bravery.
I am excited about posting John’s story as it is much like my own and that means that we both had scientific experiences.
Okay let’s move forward and say… hello to John!
And here is Johns experience based on a focal point of experience.
“This is more a post than a question. A warning, do not quote this post as gospel or ‘your’ truth, it’s not, it’s my truth. So often people misquote other’s versions or take stuff out of context.
This post may challenge a few. That’s not my concern really, ever since I had my NDE I’ve upset more people than I can remember from day one, as they have ‘beliefs’ that they tend to cling onto rather than be open to this experience. I ended up becoming a recluse for half my life after my experience, rarely sharing anything to do with my experience until 2012.
I’ve experienced people literally explode in anger at simple thought forms that differ from theirs; amazing, such is the power of ‘beliefs’.
The content of this post is more to do with the structure of the source light itself, its role and purpose in the larger picture if any.
When I say ‘larger’ I mean the universe itself, which is infinite; a word so often bandied around without a second thought. Infinite is infinite, never ending. We as humans tend to think linear, beginning and end with a process in the middle, this is in error, everything is cyclical-infinite.
Not only do we think linear, we exclude/edit vast amounts of accessible information, trillions of other entities also reside in the universe, yes Ets including other entities in other dimensions beyond the physical. I don’t want to scare anyone, but we are primitive primates compared to many of these other entities.
Recently another poster mentioned that the light ‘knew everything’, I disagree from a much subtler philosophical based off my own NDE.
It’s almost if not impossible to describe the source light because it is everything and nothing simultaneously, that’s what I saw; a conundrum full of dualistic opposites within one united energy field on every level of cognition.
The source light used the term ‘us’ during the telepathic dialogue again; one simple word opens vast discourse into what ‘us’ actually means? I’ve spent a long time cogitating that one.
The sheer amount of info was/is staggering so just collating the information into a cognitive format is difficult, people so often want a quick fix or pill. Each word brings up more questions, challenges, and rebuttals.
One of these conundrums if not all, I’m still struggling with 30 years later. I saw the source light was the oldest ‘entity’ and yet like a baby **simultaneously that needs to know more hence this post.
Q: So how does this source light learn from or through us if at all?
Creation is a pregnant word, when I say creation we open another can of worms as some assume a spontaneous combusted creation according to a particular mythology. There are many mythologies globally that completely differ that need to be respected, however, I’m not a mythologist, I’m a NDEr.
I won’t post how we got here as this is extremely challenging for those who have religious/other beliefs. I’m personally not threatened as to how we got here; rather, I’m elated knowing we aren’t ‘alone’ in the universe.
Whilst in the light yes, the love is phenomenal, nothing like it can be experienced in this form as a human. Logic would denote that this ‘love’ pervades *all souls (there is a form of soul evolution also) that also come from the source. Soul evolution is hardly talked about, and this is where the root of the subject gets sticky. A soul is *not a solid thing, I’ve said this time and again on the forum. The soul can grow also, and in soul growth, this process is reserved for the ‘merge’.
This assumption that the light knows everything is not what I experienced due to the way the big bang and consciousness work as they don’t work in perfect tandem. The big bang happens first, then the source light expands into the void created by the explosion, hence the ‘light enters into darkness’ and it’s this void of darkness where all the ‘learning’ takes place. When we as an entity reach an evolutionary stage, meaning our vessel (body) is capable of having source light within, then and only then the process of learning or growth for source light begins.
We as humans have awareness and this awareness is unique say to animals or insects, plants, they too have awareness, but not like ours. Our soul evolution has reached an evolutionary level to enable us to take back new knowledge to source.
I remember like yesterday probing the light, trying to ‘see through it’. I tried to pierce beyond to see if there was anything behind it, you know, something even more profound, nope.
That was the end of the line, it was home.
So whilst in the light, vast and I mean vast amounts of knowledge are just there (from previous entities who have discharged their experience into the light), I wasn’t asking initially, it was there for the understanding. I did ask eventually when I could settle my mind long enough to actually prompt a response.
The awe I had for the light was beyond words and yes, people may have their own billions of questions they’d pound at the light if given the opportunity, trust me, the experience is overloaded with the emotion of love and that is the answer to all questions, but we’re human, so we keep asking. We’re driven to ask questions and this process of ‘asking’ is also from the light itself.
It too asks questions and this process of ‘exchange’ or ‘sharing’ is often done during the review process for some, not all. I can’t answer for anyone else.
We hear so often the review is based around how we treated others, my review was nothing like that, I got to see multiple lives and how I arrived at this one. Yes, I’d been to the source *millions of times previously and again, this seems to challenge ‘one lifers’ no end, even going into cognitive denial and dissonance, anger even. It’s ok, it wasn’t YOUR experience, it was mine.
There is another process of which rarely anyone mentions and this is the process involving the merge. I won’t be discussing the merge at all, ever. Knowledge is power and in the wrong hands can be misused. A conversation came up in the forum, claiming the light ‘knows all’, and I offered my response which wasn’t to the liking of the poster, hence this post.
We are in a symbiotic relationship with the source light, it needs us and we need it.
Yes the light knows all, up to a point, which is beyond anything we can cognise, however, I wasn’t being a smart arse by challenging this philosophical assertion that the light knows all, it doesn’t. The light has the knowledge of a trillions big bangs before this one, but… still wants to learn, so re creates the universe in differing fractals each time.
The source light is infinite, it has **always existed, it is beyond time, space, gravity and resides both within and beyond its own creation. I personally and imo would place my semi beliefs into panentheism now, not to be confused with pantheism.
Google it for homework.
It’s this cosmological belief i.e. pan-entheism (transcendental and immanent) that allows a ‘separate’ creator aspect to its own creation like a barrier. This dialogue gets into heavy philosophical/metaphysical posits of subtlety that are very hard to describe let alone understand. The source light actually separates a fraction of itself as the purest form of unmanifested energy hence it is permanently apart from everything but still connected. This section of source light resides at 50 times the speed of light, that’s what it showed me..
This aspect @ 50 x is the part that is so pure, beyond anything we can cognise, hence when ‘new and only new information returns, it then allows that new to merge with it and remain. If nothing ‘new’ is evident, then that soul or segment will discharge a review (life) and then reincarnate into another body, not just human. All of this is done in love, there is no punishment, just learning and growth for both parties.
Everyone has something new, it may just be a tiny accidental discovery in one’s 80 year long life, but it’s enough to satisfy the source light.
It took me 25 years to even find the right questions to answer of which I’m posting here for free.
The source light knows everything, or it **seemed to know everything, but it still has its own growth phase, remember it is a perpetual baby and babies need growth, **new things, **new experiences and this is getting into some very, very esoteric areas that are really inconsequential when dealing with our mundane realities down here.
When the source light implodes or the universe eventually returns to pure form, it starts again, big crunch, big bang, infinite folks, infinite. Infinite growth and knowing, untold big bangs, infinite, so yes, the light seems to know everything, but it doesn’t because it keeps banging looking for new things, new experiences and fractals, which are infinite, nothing is stagnant, it is energy.
So if you want to make the creator happy? Go and create and make new things, accidents in play.
Rituals are boring, repetitive. Go and paint a painting, or make up a new song, a dance or anything.
It wants us to be like children and ask. The ‘asking’ is embedded so deeply in our soul we’ve forgotten. I wanted to make a longer post regarding our first mandate when humans arrived, if prompted, I will. It regards the origin of ‘naming things’ which was our first command.
new things, anything as long as love underpins your motive.
These are links to radio station shows that John has been a guest.
And one more radio program
Thank you John for agreeing to share your experience with my audience. Thank you so very much.
My Death Experience
So~ When I arrived in heaven or wherever I was, I was just there. No tunnels, no lights, no family or friends and no angels by my side. No music. Nothingness. Darkness and blackness. No sound, no telepathy… absolutely nothing.
I was in dark lights as I wasn’t on earth and I had no idea that I was gone nor missing or anything out of the ordinary death experience.
While dead for 20-30 minutes, I experienced total blackness. It was non-memorable. When I started breathing once again and oxygen was-back in my system, my thoughts returned.
I have come to the conclusion that memories, thoughts, and experiences are created by using oxygen. Earth, oxygen and time are interconnected and oxygen is the main ingredient for the creation of memories and dreams, out of body rememberances and anything that we can fathom and remember on earth.
Otherwise, without oxygen there are no memories. And I must say that I was given this piece of knowledge after my death experience.
Now bear in mind that I am deaf and I asked them (whom, I never saw) if I needed to hear and it said, “I don’t think so. You’ll be fine. You’ll see.” And I was fine without hearing and this too was shown to me.
So off we ventured first to witness the physical properties of the earths dirt. The elements, the bacteria, the microscopic quantum universes below us and the intricate makeup of the physics held within the pebbles of sands, soils, gems, silvers and golds beneath our feet 🦶.
I was then taken to the earths relics and there I read hieroglyphics and inspected each object. From Peru to Mexico to Egypt To Sumerian culture, I was shown our human experience and our beginnings.
From there I returned to the Cleansing Pool to be cleansed again for ascension.
(My Cleansing Pool where in my heaven I went before ascension could take place. The talk Asian man was very kind, soft spoken (though our thoughts were telepathic) and assured me that I was not in hell. I think that he was familiar to me.)
At some point in their time, I was introduced to our alien forefathers. Alien DNA. I don’t know if all humans come from the same alien species. However, I doubt it. There was a room of (I think) five (5). They said “hello” and I was satisfied and asked no more questions. Ugh 😑with my lack of questions.
After the meeting, I was off with a being that was unseen. We traveled through out the universes. To The Pleiades, to Orion’s Belt and onwards to the outer of the universes.
I was shown binary codes that I couldn’t read yet they said that I could. They showed me star charts and I was amazed.
Also the outer of the universes was in front of me. The Elohim was creating a nebulous or something. The perimeter of the universes was made of Fibonacci designs. The designs were intricate and spoke to me telepathically. They were busy.
I sat on the side of something as far away as the moon 🌚 is to the earth 🌎 and watched the Elohim making this enormous masterpiece in space. Magnificent work and experience.
I asked about what was outside the universes. I was told that its dangerous for humans and that we wouldn’t return if we left.
The word phagocytes (white blood cells devour unwanted bacteria in the human body) came to me. I knew that I must not venture there.
During the entire time I spent in heaven , I heard the voices of my children in their upper thirties and my sister calling me home. They said , “come home, its not your time.” So I chose to return.
“The death angel “ lingered for eleven days.
And this is the basis of my experience. I know that I got way ofd topic. My apologies .
My brain is still in recovery from lack of oxygen. Anoxia. I am progressing to completeness and am lacking in recalling words, but have increased positive traits such as mathematics since my death experience.
Thank you for reading
My drawing of my death experience on the edge of the universes. At the top I labeled “phagocytosis” as for humans to leave our universes came a warning ⚠️
The Fibonacci grew all over the edges and it created electromagnetic energies that communicates with the entire universes and supplies energies needed.
It seems to me that our universes make up the upper lobe of a lung or perhaps I misinterpreted the idea. It seems right.
My life changed in February 2019. There is no turning back. All my beliefs changed as my experience showed life in its reality and whom god is to mankind. What tomorrow brings to you or me is unknown but something will happen and we are unaware until that force occurs. The most important lesson learned in February 2019 is love. God is love and nothing more. It doesn’t judge or criticize you or me. It doesn’t sit on a throne in heaven but can be found in the cells of all things whether living or not. So tomorrow pick a wildflower and look into its living force and when you peer know the divinity that you see. When you look at a stray dog or cat, know that you are watching the cells of god moving in our lives. Look at the truths surrounding you and leave behind any false dogmas. Know that heaven is not anything like earth and nothing resembles the stories that mankind has uttered for thousands of years. Nothing.
Please understand that poetry writing is difficult for me since my incident last month. Anoxia has robbed my memory though every day I am getting better. Writing poetry makes me think. I don’t want to write any, but it’s a great exercise for my memory.
Scrambling five mornings a week
For toasts, showers, clothing, lipstick, and my purse
Starting a car without the keys
Where did I put them, dear god, help! Please
Evening arrives on time, each eve
Cooking, forget cleaning, I’m up to my knees
Can’t someone assist, can’t they see me, geez!
Lord I need help with living, dear god, please
Years pass, and I’ve held things in disarray, it seems
Time has flown by and there’s nothing I have achieved, for me.
Compliments come in for my nothings, I’ve truly deemed.
Rolling my eyes about living and it’s all a confusing dream.
So February comes and it’s cold outside.
Loosing breath one night fighting hands that slide.
As if someone is choking me, slipping out of this place
Somewhere else I awakened with no time, like a space
No memory of children, pets or my homely mess.
In a place of intriguing beauty and experience.
At Pleiades, then Orion’s Belt, up and away from there.
Suddenly ~ while transporting~ I almost convulsed
The magnificence is overwhelming, as his smiling joy, couldn’t wait To show me the revelations of heaven
The gifts made just for me
And I thank him for all that he is blessing me.
With my questions answered about the universes and living after death
And in reverence I thank him for all glorious things, I have seen
I waved back and off I went
To the voices calling me home that afternoon.
I knew we’d meet again one time in my future
But now I know that my earthly frustrations are part of my heaven
And arriving home I smiled at my homely disappointments
My sadness now joy
Looking at the mess
Breathing in and out without being strangled
And yes, I am forever grateful to Him who smiles
And gave me my life with new and brighter eyes
March 10 @2019
Someone sent a message to me asking a question. My response is this;
Death is individual created for all of us as heaven is, as well.
It is my opinion and not based on fact, the harder the death, the more someone loved their life and didn’t want to leave Earth.
So, this is why I say, death is created for each individual to have them leave their bodies.
In my case, death was hard. It was though, I was being strangled and death was frightening until I collapsed into nothing. There were no memories of that time. Maybe 20-30 minutes.
When I awakened 2 days later in icu, I was in and out of a coma. It was when the oxygen and time returned that I began to remember or see heaven then.
Heaven is created for each individual as I said. That’s why some people have deeply religious experiences and others have their hearts or beliefs experiences.
My love in life has been creation of The Earth, the galaxies, aliens and supernatural beings, relics, ancient cultures, mankind’s origins and mathematical physics, patterns and anything oddly different and interesting.
In the past (late 1990’s) I had been a “born again Christian” and got rid of all the things that I loved, mentioned above. After the late 90’s after leaving the church, I found and followed fearfully my own beliefs.
I found out during my recent death experience that God (small word for the creator) loved me just as I am.
In heaven he/she showed me everything that I love. I found out that I am okay where I am at with the creator.
So I hope that I answered your questions.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I so much appreciated reading 📖 the words written.
Thank you, I hope that I have helped.
Yes, I died. I flatlined. I had no pulse and no breath.
My son called EMS and my daughter got to my house before EMS.
That being said, I went without oxygen for a while and when you read my post here on WordPress, it might be confusing as my brain was/is anoxic.
So I will post some of my experiences in heaven.
First I was taken to The Cleansing Pool
There was a tall lean Asian male there with a large hat on. He was stirring brains inside the pool surrounded by many large volcanoes 🌋
I asked, “am I in hell?”
Quietly he said, “no. You are at The Cleansing Pool. Here you cleanse your mind from negative thoughts.”
I looked at all the thousands of brains in the pool.
Mind to mind he said, “these are the bad thoughts in others. Yours are here now too.”
There was no memory of loosing my bad thoughts. There was no pain.
He said, “you cannot ascend until you are clean.”
I think that I went often there to the pool within my journey to heaven.
Suddenly I am brought to look at The Earth. The dirt was shown at a magnified distance. It got closer and closer. In the dirt I saw shiny brilliant objects. I saw atoms, protons, neutrons and shiny objects. Gold, silver and another universe held in quantum physics and very much alive.
We moved on. I was with someone but I don’t know who. I didn’t ask but was comfortable.
We went to the surface of Earth and saw all the relics, monuments, artifacts of Egypt, Per, Mexico and Sumerian. I was amazed.
From Pinterest. I chose this as part of the Earth’s Fibonacci design. It’s very deep, very interesting and a bit scary.
I then asked, “who are humans gods? Who made us?”
I think we went to the Cleansing Pool.
Then I saw several non human beings. I understood. These were the gods.
Then, I was instantly at The Pleiades, at Orion’s Belt and there I said, “oh please, keep me within The Milky Way.”
And nope! Off we went to the outer perimeter of the universe or universes.
There is where I saw The Elohim (Hebrew for gods. Plural) creating the universe.
My symbol for The Elohim.
On the parameter of the universes there is a bundle like a baby bundle that holds us tightly together. It is charged with magnetic energies and it is made of The Fibonacci Code or designs.
These designs are alive and growing rapidly. They wanted me to watch and they wanted me to see what they were making.
I got these images from Pinterest and altered the colors some. Heaven has different colors and I cannot remember to show you what they are. I wish that I could remember. Mesmerizing indeed. I had to look away from the designs many times as it is all consummating and a bit scary as we’ve never seen anything like this on Earth.
Here are some of the images from Pinterest.
I wish that I could tell the artists who drew these how I think they are close to what I saw, though the colors are different.
Okay one last very memorable experience I had while in the heavens.
I saw binary codes. I don’t read the codes so I wondered why they showed me.
But what I think they might mean is this. The codes have earths dates, and names of people. The gods, angels, supernatural beings or whatever they are can travel here to us at any date and time.
The codes are used for time travel. Then recorded code information is folded onto each other just like when scientists say the universes bend together and traveling in the universes becomes a shorter distance. This is the same physical principle for binary codes and time traveling.
Okay… thank you for baring with my writing if you read this.
I appreciate your reading this. Questions are appreciated and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
Many thanks 🙏🏼
BoJenn March 10, 2019
Boy what a ride
Thank you Jordan Maxwell for showing me the correct Hebrew interpretation
Weaving awkward words unbelievably infiltrated by a source
Who has bent reasonable human consciousness and time
Organizing underneath hidden conversations of the elite
Dictating to mankind frightening beliefs of death and scheol
Creating fear and hatred, and intolerance by falsifying lies
Freedoms eliminated; intelligence dissipated; imaginations empty
Colliding human beings, bending core character, remains nothingness
Grievances uninhabitable; the loneliness of the angelic godhead sits
Found are words that bend ears into manifestation matrix ideologies
Their pat verbiage we’ve acutely hypnotized and weaved like experts
Awaken to your own thoughts that were given to you so graciously
To hold them as yours and shan’t ever change a thing eternally
Your being is your gift; do not give it away; as you’re not a whore
Now stay where you’re at. Don’t move and eat only the finest fruit
Stay far from repeating their verbiage that binds you eternally
Speak you, and only you, and do it in love, for the Matrix will vaporize
Do not judge the fallen, but turn from that universe, and offer your hands
It’s not a place for survival. No.
The terrain is rugged and the waves are ferocious.
Learning to swim is mandatory for survival.
However the atmosphere is compelling me to open my wings and fly from the verbiage and voices of earth.
I must accomplish this
One task at a time
BoJenn @December 13, 2018
Time: 8 pm or a little later… not much.. I can look at the time on my camera, but right now, I am just chilling.
From my backyard in the northwest and southwest sky came an interesting display of clouds and here they are. July 7, 2018
Faint pink cloud caught my attention so I got my cell phone camera So, I took several pictures southwest sky at the same time as the pink ufo cloud. I wondered if it was traveling to the huge clouds in the southwest. Was that the mother ship or do I have an overly inquisitive mind. This very brilliant star post the exit of the pink ufo cloud
What remained in the sky post the pink ufo cloud that was in the northwest
The sky is amazing isn’t it?
From my backyard to you.
I hope you have enjoyed as much as I have.
My destiny sits before me
And I am a fearful captain
The skies call loudly “this way!”
I hide in the room provided
The ships keep coming back
They are insisting on government
“Here. This is yours, captain.
Take charge before it’s too late.”
Courage is needed
I call upon the name, Courageous
“Come, now! I am ready! To take
BoJenn July 8, 2018
By Bonnie Jennings
Within 150,000 words weaves a story involving an edgy woman who is either psychotic or is as the townsfolk believe eldritch. They, in Glory Town, a charming picture-perfect town, nestled in The Appalachians, call her a witch. For Cat Dubois, decades passed and she becomes more isolated from her accusers. Jealousy and scorn for a child who was fey with sapience, the community of pretentious righteous, mocked her. The quaint town was not so “charming” after all and quickly ran sinners away. While alone for years, Cat began to see and hear voices. Visitors seldom came; however, her lonesome manor was haunted. However, little Cat prayed a prayer when only a child. That prayer was answered when she turned forty-five. An angel or fairy godmother named Eleanor came riding on the wind. Traveling with Eleanor was Tadhg, who was of the same order and virtue, and a little black dog named, Lovey.
“A scream was heard that summer day. A four-year-old little Catherine moaned into the mystical wind. She told the wind to find Thomas. Bellowing, into the breeze, her little heart begged, with vigorous might. The current carried her voice. It never ceased, until one day, “I heard it,” and that was when, Eleanor came riding in on the wind.”
The model in the photo is my daughter, the photographer was my son, and the digital artist is my dear friend Ky Mason. The picture has a copyright so I ask you, please don’t use it as it might be the cover of my novel … Thank you… All Rights Reserved
Ky Ellen Mason artist/editor/graphics designer/publishing/printing
You may reach me (BoJenn) the novelist/poetess via email at :
or on FB @
My official copyright and number for my novel…. I received it yesterday and I filed for it in June of 2016.
What I realize now, and will be of interest to you if your also writing a novel or books of poetry, is this fact. They, the copyright officials, go through every word and sentence that you’ve written to make certain that you didn’t plagiarize anyone else. So when you apply for a copyright, they will ask if you have quoted anyone or used any sources other than your own. In my case, I used The Bible, The Gnostic Gospels, The Book of Enoch, and Simon and Garfunkel lyrics (one line). So, I had to include any sources and cite them.
Now, please understand, this process takes time, but it is inexpensive. My novel is roughly 140,000 words give or take a couple of thousand on either side. It costs $35.00. Not bad. I think a poem is around $7.00 and If you love some of your work and want t keep it your work, then please, go ahead and file for a copyright.
For example, and I will use my dear friend Susan Joyner-Stumpf as an example.
Lets say, Susan has her own copyright all over her work, but if she hasn’t officially filed for the rights, then I (and I wouldn’t do this), could copy and paste her work onto my own work and submit it to the copyright officers and Susan would have to sue me. That would take more money than the $7.00’s for her poem, had she just simply filed with the official copyright office.
I urge you to file your best and most favorite work. Keep it safe because there are thieves unfortunately. Save yourself a heartache. Copyright your favorite work…
Recently, I saw that a fellow poet, had taken my words and used them. The words were twisted a little, but I knew, that was my work. I got mad, I got upset, I tried to be flattered, and then I dropped it. There was nothing that I could’ve done at that point. Once it’s on the internet, it’s published (yes thats right) and going to court over a little poem is useless…
There is also the poor mans copyright we’ve spoken of before on here and that is to print out your written work and mail it to yourself. It will have an official time and date stamped on the envelope and for heaven’s sake, do not open the envelope. A judge will do that in a courtroom should you have to take your written work to court and file for plagiarism against someone… However, should your house burn down, like mine did, and you have not placed your poor mans copyrights in a safe somewhere else, guess what? Yep, thats right…. You have no official stamp or retrievable work… Gone…
By the way, students search the net for work they can turn in as there own… They perhaps are the major culprits of thievery of un-copyrighted poetry and short stories… Yep… They’re trying to pass college English with an unsuspecting writer’s work….
Well, I hope you have a great day no matter where you are in our great world…
The Art of Writing Query Letters for Writers; Chatting,,, The link on FB below:
Paper Rater has a free site to check your work. It also has a plagiarizer within the program. So, you can test your own work to see if you’ve plagiarized. It’s interesting also to check your older material that you put on the internet. The plagiarizer should bring up the original written work and perhaps a date and name… So, check your work to see if your published on the WWW….
And now… drum roll please…
An Excerpt from my novel… The Introduction and Chapter One…
THE LIVES OF FAIRY GODMOTHERS, ANGELS AND WITCHES
All rights reserved. Published by BookBaby
© 2015 BoJenn Books, LLC
All photos copyright © 2015 BoJenn Books, LLC
or as credited, individually, on photographs herein contained. All illustrations and paintings by Bonnie Jennings; Tyler, TX,
some inspired by Itzchak Tarkay, Yugoslavian/Israeli artist, 1935-2012
This book is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. Any reproduction or other unauthorized use of the material or artwork herein
is prohibited without the express written permission of the author.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form
First Printing: December, 2015
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
First Edition: December, 2015
ISBN # 978-x-xx-xxxxxx-x
Printed by BookBaby
Pennsauken, NJ 08110
Design and Production by MASON Communications
Edited by Sarah Harricharan, Johnson City, TN; Elysia Warne Elrod, Tyler, TX;
and Ky E.S. Mason; Shreveport, LA
Look for “The Lives of Fairy Godmothers, Angels and Witches” on Facebook!
“A scream was heard that summer day. Four-year-old Catherine’s screams echoed into
the mystical wind. She told the wind to find Thomas. Bellowing into the breeze, her
little heart begged, with vigorous might. The current carried her voice. It never ceased,
until one day, I heard it. The zephyr had carried the message in search of Thomas. It
had traveled lifetimes, into where memories dwell. In the dark space of matter, it moved,
seeking the answer to the child’s petition. It did not stop, until it found accountability.
It had echoed, in and out of woven petitions, spirits and prayers, asking, “Have you
seen, the child, Thomas?”
Even as an older woman, Catherine could not stop the determination of the inquiring storm – to find the answer to her childhood question. The mission of the wind was to solve that petition. A request by prayer was sent that day, long ago; and then I came riding in on the wind.
Tadhg Harding enters the story, wearing a warm angelic smile and kilt. Tadhg recited the letter for Catherine. “Eleanor wrote it,” he added.
Catherine delightfully accepted the magic of an answered prayer. “At last!”
Tadhg welcomes you to journey inside this story about a woman named Elizabeth Catherine Dubois: “Everyone needs help – the supernatural kind – right?” Well, this tale is about when, where, why and how angels, or fairy godmothers, answer prayers.
Welcome! Thank you for stopping by for a cup of orange and cinnamon tea. Please, enjoy yourself
as you settle in to a cozy chair and hear a story about the magic of love, the dignity of grace bestowed from God, and the power of deliverance from oppressive spirits on an older woman who was once her parents’ little fairy princess.
Like so many older humans, Cat Dubois almost lost her happiness to ill-fated happenstances which couldn’t be avoided. The only difference between Cat and others who seem to dissipate by death in the vagueness of their pain and sorrow? The young girl cried out a prayer that found a way to God’s ears and heart.
So, He responded; He sent Eleanor, who came riding in the wind.
This story is about the struggle of life and the resolutions that come to Cat many, many years later; but nonetheless, answers come, just in time, in a magical way.
So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tadhg Harding, and I’m the keeper of stories and poetry. That is the meaning of Tadhg, and this is what I do. I am both the story teller and an active participant in this tale, and I am also related to Eleanor, an oh-so integral character in this story. We are related by spiritual order and virtue. We travel through time, space and the world together. Come in, let us draw near. There is nothing to fear; this tale is an active adventure.
Humans, at times, question the fairness of a loving god. Life can feel like a test of human endurance. Why are some people fortunate or “blessed,” while others ache with despair and tragedy? Why is the innocence in children’s beautiful faces often lost within hardships, over a lifetime? Why are some untouched by horrors and deep valleys of sorrow and hatred? Lastly, why are some on a non-ending roller coaster of frights and thrills?
In order to understand and appreciate goodness, the darkness must be known, as it’s been taught many times before this story. Behold, the light of God shall shine upon the paths of danger, for our own good, and lead us, instead, to the way of enlightenment for our spirit’s development.
We shall lie down in those green pastures, and there our souls will be restored. We will one day act like God.
“Could it be in a different dimension or lifetime?”which, of course, is an age-old debate pontificated in sanctuaries and bars across a world of speculators from the righteous to the sinners. And, should we choose to accept the calling to a higher self, our assignment, or our journey into the syllabus He has prepared for each of us individually, must be eventually travelled. If so, it surely is then that we shall be like Him, and see Him, in the splendor of His love; because in human living, love, mercy and grace are the traits of the Father who has come down from the lights and resides in our souls.
Unique, are we. Good and evil will be known, but few will defeat dragons in one’s lifetime. ”Dragons are real,” many will say, but I ask you, “Are they real today?” Are not dragons, real or imagined, just our conduits to godliness? For within the very best of us, and the very least of us masterpieces, lie imprisoned spirits which are trapped by the flesh of mankind, or Adam. Adam was from the dirt of this planet Earth. Adam nor his seed will not live forever. But the Spirit of God will survive forever; spirit is infinity. We are not.
Then, there is the soul – the ego. The dual nature which longs for the earth or the “Adamic” nature. It begins innocently, then falls into God’s grace. The quest – our mission or lesson – is to defeat the opponent, the enemy of ourselves, our egos. So, this story is about defeating the challenger of God using the voices of the accuser. It is the strong one of this earth who whispers to the accepting Adamic humans all the reasons that failure is the final destiny.
The devil within is conquered metaphorically in isolated forests; deep-flooding valleys; on rocky hillsides; in snake-filled pits; in vast oceans where a single lifeboat drifts eternally; in lonely, locked cells; in cold hospital rooms; in the loss of a child or loved one; in burning towers; crashing planes; bombshelled cities; in an orphaned child; in unwed mothers; in life-changing events; until kingdom comes. The devil is appointed an unending reserve of trials.
The test’s purpose is to stretch ego and character into a form of divine inspiration. Sometimes it works and never fails. Perhaps, it is not determined in one lifetime, but in many. The soul determines the result for the lap. The soul steers the course. It develops; and graduation of a lesson occurs as we
become more and more like God.
Our story begins now. It is the story of a woman’s journey from innocence, to enslavement, and then to freedom, within a lifetime. You might share the sorrow and pain of her battles, and relate to her innocence during childhood, which is magically experienced by Cat. Seemingly, you might experience and share her rejection from the fellowship of those with whom she grew up. You might feel her hurt, her loneliness, her isolation; and know her addictions as your own. And, just when you think there is no hope for her – or maybe even you – you may find yourself cheering because there is magic and goodness in a dark world. There are fairy godmothers, angels, and guides who do help us just when we need them the most.
I welcome you into the story of Elizabeth Catherine Dubois.
Now, Elizabeth Catherine Dubois, or “Cat”, as she prefers, lives in a lonely house in the Appalachian Mountains, in a place known as Glory Town. She is young; growing up is upon her.
As you sip your tea, I will tell you all about it. Hers is a tale of loss, troubles, enchantments, delights and the magic of God’s angels, fairy godmothers and other divine interveners. These divine creatures – angels, guardians, fairy godmothers, or your choice of moniker for those who carry goodness on their wings – came to Glory Town for the sole purpose of restoring Cat Dubois.
Now, Glory Town is nestled between two old mountains in The Appalachians, the picture-perfect quaint village of 11,000 residents, which is not quite as perfectly round a number as 12,000, but purposely maintained at approximately 11,000. Furthermore, the municipality is never allowed a population exceeding 12,000. This was written in the foundations of Glory Town’s “secret codes” and governed by the town’s three founders.
These three are: David Finks, whose wife is Hannah Finks, with whom they have three sons, Warwick, Winston and Chad. Next in the hierarchy is Robert Fletcher-Snutgrass, with his wife, Jessica, and their four children: eldest daughter, Emily; middle son, Taylor; Claire, the next girl; and then, baby, Suzanne. The third family led by a founding father of Glory Town are the Thornton- Henchmens with their tribe: patriarch, Theodore or “Teddy”, for short, and Selma, his wife, and Hector, Molly and Thorpe Thornton-Henchmen.
Also of notable importance are the Reverend Davis (Daniel Davis’s father) and the preacher’s wife, Rebecca Palmer Davis. Other families, though less impressive, include: The Bartons – Henry, Ruth and their 3 daughters, Priscilla, Patsy and Daphne; the Johnsons – Larry, the town mechanic,
his wife Mary, and daughter Tammy; then are the Millers and their two infamous sons – Dillinger and Cooper. Finally, the immigrants from France and England are the Dubois family, comprising Philippe and Catherine Harrington-Dubois, and their daughter, Elizabeth Catherine, around whom this story revolves.
“Joy to the world! The Lord has come.” The crowning attraction of Glory Town is its famous claim as THE Christmas town most photographed and visited by tourist families with the delighted eyes of imaginative children and their parents, who still wonder, like children themselves, at the warmth of the holy season. Glory Town enlivens their memories like a picturesque scene on a vintage postcard, assuredly giving Christmas lovers warm fuzzies.
When approaching Glory Town from either mountain’s winding road, it appears like a Norman Rockwell painting that everyone wants, but only a few truly experience in a lifetime.
White snow, white picket fences, gently billowing smoke from the home fireplaces burning warm, and sidewalks, along which passersby smile endearingly while wishing all “Merry Christmas!” signal the revelry. Carolers beckon from the sanctuary, donning red choir robes and halo-white satin collars, heralding the music of pleasant voices in perfect a cappella, lifting up Gregorian hymns as the gothic organ opens with Bach’s “Passacaglia in C Minor”.
The Carolers, in a procession of holiday finery, continue their serenade to the corners in front of Victorian homes prominently, proudly, situated within what area, over many Christmases past, would become the town’s spiritual epicenter.
“Hark! The herald angels sing, ‘Glory to the newborn king…’”. Everyone in Glory Town is expected to play roles demonstrating angelic behaviors at all times – and especially when guests are afoot. This whole town is a “Christian town”, hastening one back, in a heartbeat, to a Charles Dickens setting. Good behavior as far as one can see has been dreamed of, desired by, and lusted after, by those who have ever read or heard of the charm found only here, only now, this magical time of year.
The reputation of this little whistle-stop snowballed, bigger with every winter. Glowing reviews, and enough money to publish and mail pamphlets far and wide, made the traditions of these townspeople turn into the regular place of pilgrimage it is today. When visiting Glory Town, no tourist expects anything less than perfection. Who wouldn’t want to make this place home?
The improvements of puritanical whitewashing for the holiday productions begins each summer, with “summer” rehearsals starting directly after New Year’s. These practice runs include all residents – young and old – and require them to play their parts so well they’re second nature. By August, all the families congregate and begin re-teaching manners they’ve been teaching exactly as written and executed in the1800s. The women sew new costumes each year. They rehearse with their children so everyone is in step: how to act, how to talk and how to dress as if they still lived in the 1800s.
Making money by entertaining tourists has always been a major source of income for the town. Aside from that revenue, each business is small – and there aren’t many – and their bottom lines are nil to nothing. They like it this way; that’s why the law exists that the town will grow no larger. No corporate world exists here – in yesteryear. Everyone depends on the gratuities offered; they come in all year long, now that even the tourists have been courted to remember tithing so the traditions can continue. Little other real employment is available in Glory Town.
The acting, the manner of dress and everything else has become such a way of life that sometimes neighbors have to remind each other what is real and what are now magnificently drummed up vocations. “‘Come,’ they tell the tourists. ‘Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum.’”
It has become so confusing that some townsfolk, especially the older ones, just stay in their assigned role all year, shifting from season to season, talking in a dialect privy to Glory Town from nearly two hundred years ago. As they grew into their roles, they became them…except for some of the women who serve on the community boards. They dress in their finest “other” attire most of the time.
The locals take tremendous pride in the natural beauty of their town; and that goes right with
giving thanks that they are governed by strict Biblical standards. The town is theirs – God seems to have made it and them just the way they are. Surely, it is a blessing for their piety, the elders say. And, though they welcome the tourists who marvel at their magical village, they are happy when the visitors depart. They certainly appreciate the economical gratuities. They benefit from the applause of the audiences they entertain; however they do wallow in the esteem. Glory Town is exclusive to their chosen few.
The tourists are the ones who now provide all the necessary income to maintain the town’s old architecture, the roads and the restorations to every utility, but the natives are very, very fussy about who comes to live, who seeks to stay, who stays too long after the stockings come down from the mantles. The visitors make them uncomfortable – way over their comfort level.
In the old days, they had strong persuasive men who determined when it was time that someone should leave Glory Town as soon after Christmas as possible. They would escort the interloper to the city limits, tip their hats and say, “Never show your face here again. Ya, understand?” But a few things had to change, as reticent as these Glory Town people are. They know who feeds them, and, now, people want to come visit throughout the year. So riding people out of town on a rail, so to speak, had to go. And with it went their smiles, now grown shallow, their Christmas greetings super- ficial, but their acting rivals the best of Broadway. The more charming the experience they provide the marveling visitors, the better the pay. “Oh, little town of Bethlehem how still we see thee lie…”
The steeple of the old wooden white-framed church is first seen when driving down from the mountain roads. It seems to welcome all from the winding path. But looks are deceiving, and the whitewashed paint is just that – whitewashed. And the winding path, it’s the most winding in the minds of those who live in Glory Town.
If anyone comes to visit outside the season of giving, the townsfolk know who they are, where they came from, what their intentions are…and when they should leave. The gossip trail is fierce; if one knows something new, they all do.
Of course, everyone attends church, and since there is only one church building in Glory Town,
the Catholics have the evenings, the Baptists take the 10:00 AM every Sunday, while the Methodists have the 11:10 AM slot, and the Episcopalians secure the earliest services at 8:00 AM sharp, ending promptly forty-five minutes later. The Presbyterians are at 9:00 AM, and the Pentecostals, which include the Assemblies of God and so forth, occupy most of Sunday afternoons.
Church bells ring throughout the day, calling each congregation to their appointed time of wor- ship. The church bells sound rich and deep, reverberating with man’s spirit and soul, ringing to the heavens to be one with his Maker.
However, when fellowship time comes, they congregate all denominations together, eating, singing, dancing and any socializing hoopla at the time. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be many fellows to the ship.
Mountain clogging and square dancing are two celebrated happenings that many in Glory Town excitedly gather for during the fall and spring months. Their fiddlers and steel guitarists are some of the finest in the country. There is a young vocalist competition, and a clog dancer contest, which also includes a beauty event.
These festivals bring in neighboring county folks. A good healthy county competition is exhilarating, and the town is always hoping for new talent who can bring celebrity status to the area, as well as keep the faithful tourists geared up for another visit. After all, the nearby state of Tennessee has quite a reputation for talented artists. Glory Town wants to reap some of that glory, too.
Glory Town has one hotel with eleven rooms which, during Christmas, never has any vacancies; and the two private bed and breakfast facilities tend to be booked up an entire year, or even two, in advance.
Hotel residents are rarely invited to the church social functions any time of year. During the holiday season, the hotel’s guests are provided an open kitchen and usually celebrate together because the town closes on Christmas Eve at 3:00 PM sharp. There isn’t a movie theater, or any
other venue for entertainment. The tourists resort to entertaining themselves, and they accept that for all the “unbelievable” goodness showered upon them the next day.
The grocery store is a small market that transitions to an open-air fresh fruit and goat-swapping center during summer. Nearby are ruby and diamond mines that have shovels and sifters for rent in summer, too, but it doesn’t take many people on staff to run them, so, again, the job market for Glory Town is slim to none. The coal mines employ about 42 of the working class of Glory Town. Logging is protected, but where it is allowed some of the men of the town work in that capacity. There is a double-sided clinic that tends to people on one side, while a country veterinarian utilizes the other. If the regular doctor is incapacitated, the country vet works both sides. That vet has delivered babies of every breed and stitched up minor lacerations on both humans and animals. But, all victims of major incidents are flown by helicopter to the nearest open emergency room.
The roads leading to and within Glory Town are treacherous during winter. Many people coming or going lose their lives trying to drive up or down the two-lane mountain roads. For safety’s sake, most of the grocery shopping is done in monthly installments, especially during the winters, and particularly if the individual lives on Downy Mountain Ridge Road leading into Glory Town. This road is where Cat Dubois lives.
The majority of the residents were all born in Glory Town – almost every single family has been a part of this whole scenario since its founding, except the doctor and the veterinarian. But, eighty- some-odd years ago there had been just one other outsider who came to live among them – Cat’s late uncle, her mother’s oldest brother.
François Nicolle, who visited the town frequently in the years that followed Black Tuesday, was eventually, and, surprisingly, by the old ways, allowed to purchase the manor and land on Downy Mountain Ridge – mostly because he was unintrusive; he was isolative; and he came with significant wealth. Uncle François had immigrated from Rouen, France where he had honed his skills in the agricultural art of growing the finest tobacco. He had brought those skills to the fertile soil of Virginia and grew a fortune in the most unlikely time of prosperity between the Great War and the
Great Depression. Along with his wealth built in years when most are mere boys, Nicolle was almost idolized as “the” man’s man. He introduced the lush-hungry males of the town to tobacco and Bordeaux. With his keen mind for scientific advancements and business, and at only about twenty- three years old, the young industrialist offered to to help build the economy of Glory Town if he was allowed purchase of the estate. By all historical accounts, François had been the only newcomer who had ever been allowed to stay.
When François met his untimely death in 1939, Cat’s mother and father came to assume responsibility for the manor, and began employing locals seeking work. The Depression lingered longer there in Glory Town. So, for the next fifty-one years, it became their home. After the death of her mother and father, twenty-five years gone now, Cat has lived there alone. She is 61, and her story must be told.
“Since I, Tadhg, am the keeper of poetry, I know many poems for many occasions. Right now, I have one written for Cat Dubois. It was written for her to ease and lend strength for the journey she experiences.” Tadhg smiles warmly, “Perhaps her journey is one that has a familiar ring to you?”
Though, I’m as parched as the desert, and my skin is brown and wrinkled by the scorching sun, you have never left me.
I have known you are my friend and will never let me wither. If the night had no light from the moon, if the ocean’s waves consumed the shores, and if I had no friends, you would always be by my side.
You would lead me with your sweet tender voice, you would send angels to hold my hand. You would place the eternal light before my feet and I will not fall nor fail.
While I sleep, your angels will sing lullabies and say, ‘Sleep. child. sleep’.
What makes Cat’s story unique is her gift. You see, Cat has faith, and it has made all the difference. Faith is her gift, and it will be put to the test to see if it is real, and to strengthen the measure given her for later use.
Before we can start this story in earnest, I must tell you some things beforehand:
First, the hard part. You must understand the reason’s behind Cat’s wilting, and angry spirit, for she was not always that way. You see, after many years of trying to be a good Christian like her mother and father, trying to live her life in their footsteps from the shadows of all they had done economically and spiritually for Glory Town, Cat shook her arms facing the sky and screamed up at the ears of God, as if He were there. Filled with rejections caused by believing those “good” people of Glory Town who claimed to be God’s children, Cat finally threw in her towel and lived in the singleness of her own mind.
Community, sisterly love and congregating with them was, well, truly, out of the question. She vowed to cut every relationship and denounce all spiritual ties with “those idiots” of her scorn. The last accusations against her, had been the final straw. “Calling me ‘a witch’, how dare they!” Cat rebuked their slurs as if God listened anymore. Her scowl said it all; and from then on, she no longer congregated with anyone in Glory Town unless it was absolutely necessary.
Cat cried into the brandy snifter.
She sat alone reminiscing about people and her vanishing past while lounging on the 19th century velvet olive-green couch in the manor’s library. Holding the brandy snifter in her right hand, she swirled the amber liquid at the bottom of the crystal glass. The movement was hypnotizing.
She watched it twirl for an hour or more, while memories played like a movie in her waking dreams all afternoon. She saw deeply, examining the past. The candles on the fireplace mantle flickered as the light faded in the room. The tears that befell her glass turned to droplets of self- discovery. As she cried, she saw something. A face! It frightened her for a moment, drawing a gasp. Somehow she had transcended; the year was 1999, and Catherine’s age, 45. This was
not a young woman’s overactive imagination.
She stared at her brandy. There, in the glass, a face appeared again. It was a boy, looking at her from within the mirror of the liquor. He had sandy hair and his skin was fair with sunburned pink cheeks. In less than a second, the boy’s image disappeared.
Cat jumped back momentarily, then back again, eying deeper yet into the liquid, trying to see the anomaly. As quickly as she imagined the image she saw, nothing but brandy looked back at her. She looked behind her, thinking the boy would be standing there. How did he get there? “Who is he?” A chill passed through her. The air was thick, and the room smelled of sea water on a hot summer’s day, but it was freezing outside.
“I’ve had too much brandy,” she muttered to herself. She thought about that, and set the snifter down for the night on the table beside her.
She remained on the couch, thinking. After a while, forgetting the boy’s face, she dismissed the foolish delusion, She flashed back to the beginning of her anger – frustration – rages, regarding these “good, kind” people of Glory Town.
Ruminating, her mind ran away from the pain, way back in time. She saw herself – perhaps, she was four or five, maybe; she couldn’t remember. But the time was when she met her best friend, Daniel Davis, who was slightly older than she; and, it was a haunting memory, a mystery she would never forget.
Daniel was the minister’s son. From kindergarten until teenage years they were bosom buddies. He was a handsome boy who grew into a gorgeous young man. Always shy around others, young Cat was the one that made him laugh. Daniel trusted her.
It was if she had always known him – even before they met. Confidences and secrets were hidden in their hearts. Their families wanted them to marry when they were older. From Cat’s sweet smile anyone could tell she wanted nothing more than this, but, in her heart, she knew it would never happen.
With all the hopes surrounding them, she went along with the idea that their marriage event would occur, anyway. She knew that Daniel loved her, but the dark secrets he’d shared when they were teenagers, made such wishes impossible.
He loved to cook and garden. He worked around the house and never wanted to go hunting with the men. He had strong shoulders because he chopped wood for the townsfolk. At the high school dances, he performed the latest moves like they were second nature. So, he was popular, too – every girl’s best friend, sweet, kind and intellectual, and mindful of the teachings of the elders. But, he litened to the forbidden radio to hear the latest news about world events and fashion. He snuck away from his father’s hellfire and brimstone messages to learn all he could of the outside world.
That which compelled him to quest far beyond the oak-lined alleys of Glory Town, was as second nature to him as dancing. Daniel loved men. Glory Town would never allow him to live there, if they knew. And, he didn’t want to live a lie.
Cat loved him unconditionally and would hide his secret forever, but she knew she would never be his wife no matter how hard anyone, and she, wished. It was easy to visualize her entire life with Daniel, but she would have to settle for being his best friend. There would be no romance or physical penetration when two souls meet, embrace and unite as one. She knew this would never happen. It made her sad; she wanted what lovers have; she wanted matrimony – with him. She loved him and adored him more than can fill a heart and mind and soul. But because she loved him so, she was willing to sacrifice that precious union, the whole man and wife magic, that blessed sacrament. He was Daniel; he was hers and she was his; it was just a different kind of wonderful than anyone could know.
Daniel revered Cat’s willingness to sacrifice her future for him, honoring his dark secret. But, he couldn’t bear allowing her to live a life with him devoid of physical engagement. He would hold her heart, but there would be no joining of their two spirits. There would be no conjugations; there could be no true marriage. As much as he, too, prayed he could compensate with the purest of love, Daniel could not ask Cat to throw so much of herself away, for him.
Cat DuBois was just too special. It was he who bragged about her extraordinary gifts to
everyone – her gift of healing animals, her gift of of healing all living creatures. He stood in amazement every time they were together. She could heal people of so many ills, if they would just let her. The blessing of healing she manifested from within her were far too precious not to scream it from the mountaintops. He told everyone.
Assuredly, that is how jealousy took root in a family, and then spread like a forest fire in a drought. Because Cat had these gifts, amidst her shining star character and brilliance, she upstaged the pillars of the town, the respected elders and queens of the clans of Glory Town.
One family in particular began lambasting Cat at every turn, The Bartons’ three daughters, Priscilla, Patsy and Daphne, were this community’s beauties beyond compare. They also won the majority of scholastic awards – but, of course, their mother, Ruth, taught at their school.
Patsy was Cat’s age, and she desperately tried to provoke Cat into any competition that presented itself. But there was one area she had to dismiss. Patsy couldn’t carry a tune in choir practice, and Cat had perfect pitch. But Cat was never allowed a solo. Mrs. Barton made certain of it. The girls’ mother graded Cat on a curve Mozart couldn’t master – all because she thought Daniel would be a better match for Daphne.
Every time the Barton women could make a negative slur about Cat, they dug a slanderous ditch for her. Silently, they listened and gritted their teeth at Daniel’s accolades of Cat; they wanted to believe he was delusional. Like sour grapes, they imagined if he married this little insignificant girlfriend, Cat Dubois, he would one day discover that she was just like all the other dreadfully boring women of the town.
Surely Daniel was making a mistake! Clearly he was bewitched by this common girl and could not see Priscilla, Patsy or Daphne because of the enchantment with which the little trollop Cat blinded him.
The pressure grew on Daniel to ask for Cat’s hand in marriage. The entire town – except Ruth and
her three girls – wanted to know, “When?” Were they going to have their wedding ceremony as soon as high school was finished? “When is the big day?”
Constantly pushing their agendas, engagement ideas and wedding plans upon him, Daniel finally broke under the strain and screamed the truth at his father, the Reverend Davis. One fine afternoon, he admitted his secret truth. He had to be honest. He confessed under emotional duress, but it was still the truth. “Father, I am gay! Don’t you see it? I’ve been this way for a long time.”
Those words changed his life forever – just as he’d thought. Daniel was expunged from Glory Town by his own father and mother. He was given a knapsack of food, water in a thermos, and allowed to keep only the clothes on his back.
He traveled on foot up the winding road, making the curve out of town on Downy Park Ridge Road. His younger siblings watched him leave until he was out of sight. They were unsure of the reason why he had to go; their parents and everyone who saw stood silent; but, they all knew something bad had happened.
“Mama. Mama, where is Daniel going?”, they pleaded, crying and pulling on her flowered cotton dress. One held onto her dirty apron. Daniel’s home, the day before his announcement, was now a place in his past.
One confession changed his world – that first sentence was all it took. It changed his mother’s and father’s lives, and those of his siblings; it changed Cat’s life.
The sky became grayer. The light of day dimmed to darkness. The brilliance of some special charm in that town lost its shimmer; no, it was gone altogether. An artist left and took all the colors with him. Enchantment with the hope a new young couple would bring such delightful children to sing in their choir – what was to be a slice of the magical life of Glory Town was erased in an instant – all because Daniel didn’t fit the mold. The pretty picture they had painted in their minds didn’t match God’s unique creation – the young man who had just hiked out of Glory Town.
Mrs. Davis stood looking down the street that Daniel walked on his way up the hill. The road
looked long and lonesome. She thought to herself with caution, “Daniel soon will pass the Dubois estate.” In fact, her husband had yelled at him as he walked, “Better not go that way.” His demeaning tone rang loudly inside Daniel’s head, but Daniel had to go that way. He must. Still, even louder, his father screamed, “Don’t you think the Dubois family will want you to stop. Go on! You’re not my son anymore. Nobody wants you.”
Daniel’s mother stood like a lone tree in the desert. Her husband had scurried their other children inside. She was alone. Was she embarrassed or sad? Perhaps, a little of both but she knew she wanted her Daniel back. Would she ever see him again?
Word traveled before Daniel even made the first curve in the road. Some gossiped that his mother was so ashamed she couldn’t even move. Cat later knew that his mother was just broken-hearted. She knew that his mother would never heal; she knew that she, herself, wouldn’t.
The sun was blazing hot ‘though it would soon be dark. Sweat began to trickle down his head. Daniel was afraid, but free, at the same time. No longer would he have to live a lie though his immediate thoughts were, “Where will I go? Where will I sleep tonight?” He pressed onward.
Finally, going inside to look out the kitchen window, Mrs. Davis strained to see her last glimpse of her son. Her finger tips pressed the window trying to pull herself closer. She wanted to run after him.
“If you go after him, then you might as well pack your bags. You better not even think about it.”, Rev. Davis barked. After gruffly preaching this to her, she stayed motionless at the window. He hit the wall beside her, putting a hole in it, then he marched upstairs and slammed the door. The good Reverend never spoke to his wife again, unless he had to. She didn’t care. She hated him for this. She almost hated his God that he preached about on Sundays.
As Daniel passed the Dubois manor, he did stop – only to say goodbye. He hoped he could just see Cat one more time. Pausing in front of her home, he wished only for a hug and then a wave, “Goodbye.”
But news had already traveled to her parents; even as Cat tried to gain permission to take the car
to drive him to the next town, her father refused.
“Papa, please! It’s not right and you know it!”
“Catherine, you go to your room right now!” her father said angrily, his French accent making the words sound so much more foreign.
“You loved him this morning! Now? Now, you hate him? How dare you! You call yourself a Christian? You’re not Christlike at all! I despise you!”
Cat ran to the top of the stairs. There on the table next to the banister, she caught a glimpse of a roll of money – money on top of her mother’s purse.
Cat grabbed the cash and ran the rest of the way up to her room. She hurried to the window and looked out, waiting until Daniel walked by.
“Daniel? Here!” She called out, throwing the money down below so he would be able to catch it. She watched as it blew away from the manor, and she waved goodbye, knowing her father would be going outside any minute to chase him away. Warm tears passed her soft, pink cheeks. “Bye, Daniel,” she hollered. “I love you! I’ll love you forever.”
Daniel waved back and blew her a kiss before he scrambled to pick up the money he could in a hurry. He stared back, seeing Cat’s mother looking out the front living room window. She gave a wave, too – a fragile, weak kind of wave.
Mrs. Dubois prayed as he turned and walked away. “Oh, Lord, please protect him. Send your angels to comfort him. Keep him safe. Please. Thank you.” Then, she went upstairs. She went straight to Cat, putting her arms around her tightly. Together, they cried.
“What will happen to him, Mama?” Cat asked, wiping the tears on her face.
“I don’t know, Cat, honey, but we will pray that God will be with him.”, Mrs. Dubois said.
Cat bit her lip. “Mama, may I please give him a ride to the next town? Please? Just let me sneak the car out this once?”
“No, Catherine, your father will kill us both.” Mrs. Dubois said, sadly. “I’m sorry.”
“Mama?” Cat began, tentatively. “I took money from your wallet. $25.00. I gave it to Daniel.”
“I know. I left it there on purpose. You’ve a great heart, Elizabeth Catherine Dubois. I’m glad you did that for him; it was the least we could do for that sweet young man. I know how much he means to you.” They held each other as they watched Daniel walk up the road until he was no longer visible.
“Mama, will I ever see him again?” Cat asked.
“I don’t know,” Mrs. Dubois said, softly. “I don’t know.”
She hesitated before leaving the room, putting a hand into her apron pocket. She had a second thought. She changed her mind. Without looking at Cat, she placed the keys to the old Impala on the dresser, tucking a credit card beneath it. Under her breath she whispered, “Be careful. Pay for two nights at a hotel. Your father can be tempered. I’ll tell him it was a donation to a worthy cause. A tax write-off. Now, go quietly while I distract him.”
Cat quietly slipped outside and jumped into the car parked down the drive to the side of the house.
Mrs Dubois distracted Mr. Dubois with the suggestion of summer night’s passion, “My, it’s hot tonight. Come upstairs with me. I have something for you. A gift.” She smiled and winked. She curled her index finger to and fro. “Come on. I’ll meet you upstairs.” Mrs. Dubois turned on the bath water for two.
The sound of rushing water would distract his hearing. He wouldn’t be able to hear the car’s engine as Cat started it up, nor would the Impala’s headlights reflect in the large victorian bathroom.
Her distraction worked, for Mr. Dubois couldn’t get there fast enough. For the moment it seemed as if he forgot about Daniel’s drama and gladly he accepted the invitation.
“Turn on some music dear…”, she taunted.
Cat started up the old car and crept down Downy Ridge Drive as if going slowly might make less noise. She spotted Daniel walking on the side of the road. It was past dusk, and she could vaguely
make out his shadowy figure. Honking and pulling to the side of the narrow curvy mountain’s small shoulder, she called out to him. “It’s me, Cat. Get in.”
The silence was thick. There were few words expressed, but finally Daniel spoke, “All men must go through an initiation into manhood.” He was silent for a second. “Cat, don’t stop this. Boys need to have this time. Any of them who don’t will later wish they had. It’s our rite of passage. The Indian braves do it. This is the right time and the right thing to do.”
Cat wanted to believe him. She drove him twenty-five miles to the next town stopping at a small motel. “Mother told me to pay for a night or two.”
“Tell your mother, “Thank you. I love her. And, will you tell my mother the same?”
“Daniel?”, through her tears she nodded, “Yes.”, to his requests. “Daniel, I can’t let you go. I can go with you.”
“No, Cat; I will be fine. I know someone not too far away. He said I could stay with him until I find work. I will be okay.”
“Promise? Swear it.”, she begged.
“Yes, I must do this. I have to grow up, Cat. It’s my time to sink or swim. I must become a man, now.”
“Swim, Daniel, swim.” Sobbing, he turns her away. “Get the car home before your father knows. I don’t want him to take it out on you two.”
“Okay.” Sniffling, Cat hugs him one more time.
He points the direction out of the parking lot. “Do you know how to get home? It’s dark on the mountain roads. Be careful. Promise?’
“Yes. Daniel. Daniel, I already miss you.”
“I’ll keep in touch. I swear.” He held the door open as she got into the car.
As he closed the door, he said softly, “Now, you must go. I love you always.”
Pulling out of the motel parking lot she found the mountain road that would take her home. Cat thought about him every mile of the way. Through her sobs and tears, she wondered how he would survive.
Upon her return, she found that her parents were fast asleep. Cat slipped upstairs toward her bedroom, silently replacing the gifts her mother had lent her.
The women thought the father never knew she had taken the car. But, when she pulled back into the driveway, he was listening. He sighed relief, and said his thank you’s to God. A tear formed in his eye. He never let on he knew, and they didn’t ask.
Cat wrote in her journal that night, trying to understand the day. Even though her daddy was tough and often cool, he thought the world of Daniel, like the rest of the family. But, after Daniel left that summer, her daddy would hug her, for no reason. He never said anything. He just hugged her.
It rained for one whole month in Glory Town. Perhaps the town was secretly crying about Daniels departure, or maybe it was the angels crying.
As for Mrs. Davis, the days of her sobbing were over, but she would never smile again. She stared down that road, and waited. She just waited…and waited…and waited. She had a feeling she would never see her boy again, her precious Daniel.
She questioned the rules voiced through the insensitive humans who surrounded her. How was it possible that a loving God was so cruel? How could it be that they worshipped an unloving deity that allowed no mercy or grey areas to exist, especially, in Glory Town where things were supposed to be based on God’s love? Black was black; and white was white; and there would never be any shades of grey there.
To to the neigbors (supposedly, all her friends) who judged her son so harshly, God was an almighty father who tolerated nothing but perfection from his lambs. No spots or wrinkles, just pristine, whitewashed picket fences, and houses that complemented each other with matching shades
of paint, and children who walked and talked the Holy Scriptures without pleasurable smiles. They sang Christmas carols all year – songs that now meant nothing to her; they were simply empty, dead words—just like her feelings.
Cat saw Mrs. Davis’ endless watching to see if her son would walk again down their lane again – day after day, one year to the next. Cat wanted to reach out and touch her, to tell her how she felt. After all, they understood and accepted Daniel exactly as he is. But, Cat stayed her distance; she did not intrude.
Cat did pray, however. She asked God to help Daniel’s mother, “We are two women who know painful sadness: for Daniel who took the rainbows with him, for the unicorns also departed with their smiles.” Cat laughed at her silly humor, but she felt like all this about Daniel was just that – ridiculous. Besides, anything that brought a magical feeling did disappear out of their lives when Daniel left.
Meanness grew from the seed of uncompassionate judgement and resentment, planted the day they exiled Daniel. That seed grew with more cultivation than ever in their grounds of high expectations. Trying to live up to all the “Thou shalls, and the Thou shall nots” had turned out to be a very hard lesson that kept getting more difficult with every day.
If there was any grey area, it was gossiping. Somehow one could gossip without sinning too badly. “After all, who is perfect?”, they justified. The gossip queens found protection under the Almighty’s great wings of grace. Apparently, gossiping was very forgivable, for them. It was letting off the steam from their boiling pot of perfectionisms.
They loved to gossip about two things: Cat and Daniel. And, of course, Reverend Davis. Not one of the townspeope ever visited Mrs. Davis – not even once.
Daniel’s mother seemed to wither away. After Daniel left, she had very little to say to anyone, including her husband. Mrs. Dubois always warmly smiled, and patted her hand, once, to show support. It was a kind gesture, but Mrs. Davis needed more. She hurt so badly that she questioned
All the scriptures regarding pain and suffering were, simply, not much comfort. The scriptures were used to convict her son, not to love him. Wasn’t their God supposed to be a God of love? This is what she had always believed. Perhaps, she was wrong about “His” character. A hateful God she would not, she could not, follow.
Mrs. Davis desperately wanted to talk with Cat, but her husband’s strict rules – to stay away from the Dubois family – kept her from paying a visit to the manor house. She was so fearful of what others would say; and more afraid of her minister husband. He might hit her. He would definitely berate her, although never publicly. But, she had borne his harsh blames and accusations that she was the reason Daniel grew up to be queer. He growled, rebuking the mother of their child, “Had you not coddled him so often and treated him like a girl, this never would have happened.”, and “God, help you woman!”. Of course, he blamed his wife for all of it: Daniel’s homosexuality; the fact that he wasn’t a real man in his father’s definition, or that of his community; and that he had to leave his home. It was all her fault!
And so, Mrs. Davis changed. She avoided the congregation, and she isolated herself in their lonely prison of a home. The only hope for a glimpse of godly mercy would be that Cat Dubois would hear and answer her prayers: that some how Cat would make a way to find her and tell her about her son, her Daniel.
“Please, hear me, Cat. Please, come and tell me about my son.”, she prayed repeatedly.
Then one day, a diagnosis was confirmed by her doctor. Mrs. Davis was dying. Parasitic cancer was rapidly growing. She called their maid, Ernestine, to send word that she needed to talk with Cat Dubois.
The maid knew, at once, that this had to be a clandestine operation. She would have to go to Cat’s house and ask her to come. Oh, she wasn’t afraid of Cat, but she feared for her own reputation just like everyone else in Glory Town. Anyone seen talking or visiting Cat Dubois was ostracized. But,
she would do it. She had to think quickly. How could she sneak Cat inside the minister’s home where the ill woman waited? Ernestine was resourceful – she went as quickly as she could to consult the other maids of Glory Town on the sad situation.
Now, those who worked as domestic housekeepers in the town were all black women, and were forever under the ever-watchful eyes of the influential Glory Town hobnobs; but, when it came to the dying, well, the dying get their last request, no matter what; and the maids knew how to serve those needs best. So, these women used that trust and liberty to work together to pull off the plan.
It was an elaborate and grand scheme of orchestration by these Christian women, so prejudicially considered as subservients by most everyone in Glory Town. They would accomplish what no one else, so far, had managed or even tried to do in consideration of Mrs. Davis. These women were going to help Cat Dubois meet with that one woman in Glory Town who desperately needed to see and hear from her.
“Knock-knock” on the Dubois’ huge wooden front door was the first stage of their plan.
Ernestine sent Grace to visit Cat. Grace was the daughter of Beulah, Ms. Dubois’ cook, when Cat was a baby girl. They had never met, so Cat didn’t recognize Grace when she appeared at the front door; but, once she introduced herself, Cat was all ears. She knew it had to be very important for this woman to call on her out of the blue.
Cat eagerly agreed with their plan to go to Mrs. Davis’ bedside. The ladies had a signal, and a clear-cut order of what was to happen to protect all involved. Cat was a phone call away, and she promised to be ready when they said, “Come.”
At last, the call came. “Go to her, now.”
Cat was ready.
First step: Grace drove behind her, so Cat could park her easily-identified Jeep a few blocks away, hidden from prying eyes. From there, Grace picked her up and sped to the Davis’ home, making sure she was just under the speed limit. She dropped Cat off at the back door.
Second: While the drive, drop-off, visit, and pick-up was in process, some of the other women in their black congregation were putting finishing touches on pies in different flavors: cherry, blueberry, apple pie and even a chocolate one, taking care to add fresh whipped cream, and brewing freshly ground Columbian coffee, too.
While those women were readying the refreshments, a few others were sent scurrying around town, inviting all the ministers they could find, from all the denominations and congregations, for an important, though impromptu, morning chat and prayer breakfast.
Along their route, they would even ask some of the local “nosies” who loitered around the church, “volunteering” (mostly, of course, so they could be the first ones to know who had died, who was planning a wedding, who was spending too much time in the preacher’s office). The domestic brigade had to keep them busy, too.
All this was planned and executed in less than 24 hours.
Justine, a part-time maid, had agreed to stay with the ill woman in her home, and to wait for Miss Dubois at the back door. It was all moving like clockwork. Justine waved Cat inside, “Come on! Quick now!”
As soon as Cat got in the back door, she moved quickly to Daniel’s mother’s room. She would have maybe two hours for them to talk – if Daniel’s mother could last that long, not becoming too weak from being anxious, and then the visit with her “guest”.
Justine set coffee on the bedside table for Cat.
“Thank you, Justine,” Cat said, gratefully. “That wasn’t necessary.” She knelt down on the floor next to Daniel’s mother. “Hello, Mrs. Davis. I’m here. I’m right here.”
After parking her car down the street, Grace followed Cat, entering the Davis home to make sure all was safe. She graciously backed out of the room, leaving the two secret friends alone. She joined Justine in keeping watch for anyone suspicious, waiting and ready to whisk Cat away and back to her Jeep.
They took their positions, Justine was at the front window of the house; Grace stood guard at the back. Other than the postman who was extra friendly with Justine that day, there were no hitches. It was a plan made from heaven, for now.
Cat whispered again, “Hello, Mrs. Davis? It’s me, Cat.”
Faintly, Mrs. Davis breathed, “Oh, Catherine, how I’ve longed and prayed for this day. The heartbroken woman could hardly contain her tears. The words were hard enough to say because of the toll of the disease, but the heavy flow of deep weeping, alone, would have stopped her flow of conversation if she had not been determined to talk with Cat Dubois. Her last hope to Daniel, she would muster up the strength to talk and listen.
“Tell me everything you know about Daniel. Please.” Her voice quivered, and she tried to look up at Cat.
Weak as she was, Mrs. Davis had to hear every word.
She called her Catherine. Mrs. Davis had always been more formal than most; she was, after all a preacher’s wife; and she was kind when addressing anyone around town, but this young woman was due some real honoring. At the very least she would call her by her given name. Catherine had en- dured as much pain over her relationship with Daniel as she, his mother, had. She wept as Cat began.
“But, first,” Mrs. Davis softly interrupted. “Before you say anything, I want to tell you how much I appreciate you. I wish I had been bolder after Daniel left. I wanted to come to your home. I wanted to, but…” Her voice trailed off, and, as her eyes look down in such despair, she cried harder. Her voice became shrill; her pain was more than even Cat had imagined.
“I am ashamed, for not standing up to the bitter, hateful gossiping, and for not standing up to the Reverend. I cannot even refer to him as my husband anymore.”, she said, finally.
“It’s alright. I know.” Cat smiled at her and squeezed her frail hand gently in a pact that their two minds thought so much the same. They both loved Daniel; and they both knew the hate they had endured for so long now; they knew the mindset of those who brandished the antiquated laws of
Glory Town like razor-sharp daggers.
Cat was delighted to share everything she knew of Daniel in his mother’s final moments. She continued to hold her hand. In an unusual way, it was like holding Daniel’s hand; it gave her strength. So, Cat held back any sad or frightening thoughts about him.
She told his mother how Daniel had become a man. She didn’t tell him he was a drifter or a gypsy. She just spoke of the best of his life.
“Most of all, he told me to tell you how much he loves you, and his father.” Cat thought about lying to her. Lying would make it easy for the frail woman to pass on, but, Cat wouldn’t lie. She knew all lies eventually catch up in one’s life, or beyond. She did, however, sugarcoat the good reports.
“He forgives me?”, Mrs. Davis asked.
“Yes, yes, he never thought you were to blame and he hoped you were alright.”
“Please, tell him that I love him. Please. I’m so sorry.” The tears were coming again. “Why do I have to leave before seeing him, I don’t know why?”
Her tremendous sadness was tough for Cat. She stretched over a bit to gently hug the grieving mother. Within minutes, Mrs. Davis closed her eyes and went to sleep.
Cat kissed her forehead. It was time to leave; she had been there more than an hour. She slipped out of the bedroom, and Grace hurried her to the Jeep.
“Goodbye, Miss Dubois.”, Grace said as she turned to leave.
“Thank you for your help. I needed that as much as she did.” Cat gently shut the car door. Even though Glory Town was so small, Grace and Cat’s path likely wouldn’t cross for a long time, if ever. She paused to think how grateful she was for Grace’s safe passage for her, for the courageous and ingenious thinking of all the women who helped. They, too, could be judgmental in their own ways, at times, but they recognized that Mrs. Davis needed closure about Daniel, and they did exactly what their Lord through Ernestine had asked them to do, without a second thought.
That evening Daniel’s mother drifted into a coma from which she never awakened. Her funeral was on a bright sunny day.
Cat made her way to the church, and sat in the back. She went for Daniel’s sake. She went for the sake of his devoted mother, Mrs. Rebecca Palmer-Davis. She also attended the graveside ceremony, standing a good distance from the others, but not too far from the “colored ladies” as she respectfully thought of them so much moreso than before, and certainly moreso than the other white folks. It was late summer or early fall, and the year was 1980.
As it was, Reverend Davis suddenly died of a heart attack less than two months later.
Cat knew he died of heartbreak, too, drinking himself into the grave by self-medicating from the pain of it all. Daniel’s leaving, combined with his wife’s sad and painful death, finally overwhelmed him. It was more than he could bear. He was buried on a cold rainy day in the first part of winter.
Daniel did not attend either of his parents’ funerals. Had he known of his mother’s illness, he would have jumped over the moon and fought off dragons to be near her in her last days.
But, he wouldn’t hear of their deaths until later, when a couple from Glory Town happened to be where he was moonlighting as a bartender in a strip joint three counties away.
They came for fun. Just to sin a little. You know, get away from Glory Town. As they sipped their drinks and talked to Daniel as if he was their best friend, and as if nothing had happened, they told him, nonchalantly, that his mother died in late summer and his father, two months later.
They drank and laughed their night of escape away from Glory Town, and Daniel pretended to laugh with them. Secretly, inside, he ached. He thought of both of parents. Nothing was settled in this lifetime; nothing was forgiven; nothing was better, but worse, with the news that came as if the drunk couple told him about having a tooth extracted – nothing more.
Daniel dried the last high ball glass for the night, and locked the door to the bar. He went back to his hole in the wall. He drank a scotch by himself, wishing that life had been less painful. He asked hard questions to a God that seemed removed from him: “Are we merely puppets for you to pull our
strings? Is there no happiness or love on this god forsaken planet? Why? What is this all about? Am I a horrible person? Perhaps you should kill me! Let me die! I don’t want to be here. Mama! I love you! Father, if I could, I would hate you, but God won’t let me. See, I know about God’s love! I learned that! But, not from you. I learned it from my mother. Thank you, Mama. I love you!”
That night, on his flea-ridden cot, Daniel held his gun cocked. Several times, he place the barrel to his head. He didn’t do it. He just fell sound asleep.
In his deep slumber, he had a dream. It was vivid in every way; and, in it, a strange woman came to him and sat there with him all night. He asked her, “Who are you? And, what are you doing here?”
She answered, “I’m here because someone prayed for you.” The woman spoke with an old English accent.
“Who?” He looks at the woman in his dream. She’s wearing an old green velvet dress.
“Someone who loves you very much – Catherine. You call her Cat. She prays for you every night. When you see her, tell her that, one day, I will visit her.”
The strange dream never left Daniel. And, he did deliver the message to Cat the next time he saw her. Although the dream was vague, and all the time in the world could have passed, he would never forget the old English woman who got him through that night, the old woman dressed in a green velvet dress.
A more traumatic blow befell Cat, within a year after Daniel’s mother and father died.
A winter more bitter than the last took both her parents. They had been to a neighboring town to pick up supplies to hunker down in preparation for an ice storm headed their way, but the storm was moving fast.
They called as they were leaving the store and Cat plead with them to stay at the motel just nine miles away but on the lowland before hitting the winding mountain path, but they insisted on coming
home to be at home, safe with their daughter.
Like many others before them, her father saw the ice on the curve before the bridge and slowed, but once they hit the suspension, the ice was black as the night and he lost control. They were gone in an instant.
Catherine would so sadly become the heir of The Dubois Manor in Glory Town.
Daniel traveled back to Glory Town when he heard of the Dubois’ deaths. It was the winter of 1981. He walked to the old manor. There he stayed with Cat for a week. No one knew he’d visited, except perhaps one man – a suspicious watcher – who wasn’t sure it was Daniel, but knew that someone was up there with her; and, being nosey enough, assumed it must have been him.
Daniel didn’t attend the double funeral. In fact, he never set foot in the perimeter of Glory Town. The Dubois Manor was as close as he would come.
And, the curious watcher didn’t make a big deal out of his assumptions either. Maybe it was just out of respect for Mr. and Mrs. Dubois, because if he had made even one comment, it would have become like a tidal wave in Glory Town. The townspeople had nothing better to do, and gossiping about Cat had been their favorite pastime for years now. She was the mysterious woman who never married, but was still gorgeous, despite the degradation and misery they caused with glaring eyes and whispers. And, she bore unusual healing talents, and the strangest crystal blue eyes. They said her eyes could capture souls, so they faced their fears of her with rumors and jeering laughter and cruel gossiping.
This was one of the reasons Cat stayed away from them as much as possible. Cat knew this about herself, that her eyes were like crystals – that she could mesmerize people, sometimes. She used this on occasion – for her eyes could throw invisible daggers of sinister emotion. Once in a while, when things were just too out of hand, when she really needed, she used her visual knives to intimidate the gossip queens.
When Daniel arrived at the manor, Cat made a warm cozy bed for him and prepared fine meals.
Two more times after her parents’ funeral, Daniel came to stay with her. He became complacent about life – a vagrant; and he eventually moved closer to Glory Town, living on the streets of a nearby town. He had not found his self-worth…yet.
The next year, mid-winter, and with shoes so worn he was almost barefooted, he came wandering to Cat’s back door. He didn’t want to be seen, but he would chop wood and stay in the warmth of her kindness. She ministered to his broken heart. He would never stay longer than a week, although she always offered him a home for life, if he so wanted.
But Daniel would visit the Manor, and then leave again. Perhaps, it was the sadness of never being able to see his mother or father ever again that was just too painful to be near Glory Town for long.
One day, Daniel walked away wearing new shoes, purchased by Cat at the town market. He had a little money in his pocket and refused any further handouts from Cat. But, he always did what he could for her, in return for her generosity. He had pride, after all.
He chopped her wood, so she would have plenty for winter. He fixed her barn doors, and the garage door, as well. He painted the trim of the manor’s windows. The weeds were pulled out of the flower beds.
On the fifth day, he gathered his few belongings in his leather shoulder bag. Cat watched him pack through the crack in the door of his bedroom. It was time. She knew he was going, just like he said. He fixed everything in five days. She went downstairs and made a fresh pot of coffee.
He stood tall at her kitchen threshold, without speaking.
Breaking the silence Cat said, “You don’t have to go. This is your home. That is your room. I need your help. I can’t run this place by myself; you see that. We both need each other.”
He smiled. “Thank you. It’s good to know I have a place that is mine. But, right now, there is a world I have to explore.” He paused, “And you, Cat, you need to find someone. A man who will love you and take care of you. You and I love each other. But, it’s not the love you deserve. Find a man to
love you. There is a whole world outside of this place.” He smiled tenderly. His eyes told her this was the way it was going to be.
“You’re a beautiful woman. To wait for me is wasting your life. I can’t love you the way you should be loved.”
“I see.”, she replied. Though, she didn’t see at all. She handed him $200.00. “This is your payment for fixing everything.”
“No, I stayed here. I owe you.” Daniel handed her the money back.
“No, Daniel, this time, I insist. This is for the wood you chopped; for fixing the fences, the barn door, the garage door and the painting. I couldn’t have done this. I know this isn’t enough, but please; it’s all I can afford now.” She wasn’t going to let him walk away this time without making her best effort to pay him.
“Cat, I can’t. You gave me food, water, a bath, a bed, meals, wine and, best of all, the love of a lifelong friendship. So, no, no, I cannot accept. It’s my gift to you.”
“Oh, yes, you will. I insist.” Cat puts the money in his shirt pocket. “There. And, there it will stay.”
They looked into each other’s eyes. “It’s time,” he said. “The weather is cool and crisp, and the sun is brilliant.” Daniel’s face bore a manly expression. He had grown up. He was a man. He passed the test – the right of passage; he knew what he was doing, Cat didn’t have to worry any longer.
Daniel was an honest gypsy. He went from town to town fixing things, staying at farmhouses or in barns in exchange for a bed, food and a bath; and, he was known as far as he could walk for repairing broken fences the right way – the old way, where they last for years even through many harsh winters. Sometimes the fences looked beyond repair, but Daniel could mend or rebuild even those if he was allowed.
As he leaned down and picked up his satchel, and started toward the door, Cat had to ask, “What about love Daniel? You never mention love or a special person. Do you have a special someone?”
“No. No one special person.” The sun caught his eye as he had moved into the light from the window. He shewn like an angel – iridescent, glowing with an internal peace. She closed her eyes for a moment, wishing he just wouldn’t go.
He took the opportunity to slip the $200.00 on the counter as he opened the door, walked down the steps, and proceeded on the walkway toward the front yard.
Cat chased him. “Daniel, please. Please, don’t go.” Softly, she begged.
“I have to Cat. It’s time. And, oh, yes, I almost forgot to tell you.” He looked into her eyes and said, “One day you will have a visitor.” He predicted Cat’s future, knowing, without a doubt, it would come to pass. “The visit will be very important to you.”
Cat thought he was talking about a man. A man she would, one day, fall in love with. “That doesn’t interest me”, she firmly stated.
His eyes caught hers for a solitary moment before she could look away in belligerence. It was as if they told each other a story. A story they knew so well. It was a lifetime in a glance. “But, not this lifetime”, so she thought. “Could it be another place in time?” “No”, she reasoned. “No such thing.”
“Until you send word that you have met your visitor, I love you; I have to go. You are going to be fine.” He turned the corner to the front of the house, and stepped onto the road wearing his new leather shoes.
A car was coming and he put his thumb out to hitch a ride. The car stopped for him. Daniel looked one more time at her as he got in, and he waved goodbye.
She waved back until the car disappeared around the mountain curve, and the majestic stand of red cedars was all that looked back at her. She wondered if she would ever see him again. “Would he always be a gypsy? Will he be safe? God help him, please.” Cat always kept the night oil burning for him. She hoped he would return. For now, Daniel was gone, once again. Maybe forever.
She wiped the tears off her cheeks many times that afternoon.
Thank you for reading and I hope you will want to continue on the journeys with Cat Dubois.
The main character, Elizabeth Catherine Dubois, is warmly dedicated to:
My father, Jim, who taught me the wonder of the heavens and the stars;
My mother, Babe, who showed us life’s magic;
Carol, my sister, who is a warrior queen;
Elysia, my daughter, who gives God’s love;
Joel, my son, who renders grace;
and, to Jacob, my grandson, who is God’s gift.
Most importantly, this book is dedicated to my God, who is patient with me
Tomorrows my birthday and sadly I don’t know yours
I often wondered what happened to my little dears
Those two who were called, “fetal tissues,” not lives
And in ignorance succumbed to the abortionist knife
Were you placed in a burial ground or burned?
Were you put in the evening trash? Or could you
Have gone to a tissue bank, sold for big bucks
Without my knowing much. And that was
Forty years ago, and the excitement of
Women’s rights were celebrated, but you
My darlings, how sad I’ve become reflecting
Thinking of who you were and where you are
And I named you and gave you thoughts and gifts
One a poet songwriter coming from my genes
The other a pilot like his fathers dreams
And at Christmas, I set a place for you
In my heart, you’ll always be
And one is John and the other David
Oh perhaps you were Lillie or Sarah
But, I’ll never know you in this life
Please forgive my careless insights
For I followed the news of freedom for women
But regretfully never thought for myself nor
Thought of your lives at all, until forty years
Past your deaths and my mistake…
May God bless you in heaven
And please forgive my ignorance
*** My poem was prompted because Bill Maher said callous jokes on TV last night about fetal tissues. I haven’t stopped crying. If I could hate or curse him I would, but instead, will stand up for the unborn. My poem:
©2016 October Bonnie Jennings. All Rights Reserved. But please share as the lives of the unborn are sold for their fetal tissues and it’s a huge monetary gain for the abortionists.